This is what I’ve learned so far. You can never tell the kind of adventure you’re going to have when you start trying to talk to people. You know? Especially when you’re talking to a person you deeply care for, and they deeply care about you, until they start to get nervous about the whole situation apparently and doubting themselves and their ability to make/keep you satisfied.
Now before you start making assumption things as to the nature of the satisfaction that I’m talking about…I’m not that kind of girl.
Anyway. So here I’ve been trying to talk to someone right? They’re amazing. Smart. Funny. Silly. Handsome. And best of all…he looks at me in the eyes. I cannot tell you how much that means when you sit with someone and you talk or hang out or anything and they can actually look at you…and keep eye contact. That means a lot actually. I feel like they don’t mind looking at me(I’m a tad self conscious, and by a tad, very).
That being said, I’ve developed a bit of a crush on this person. Puppy love if you will. You know…that fluffy stuff you always feel in the beginning when everything in the world seems right. And of course, like every story, there has to come a point when one or the other, and sometimes, both, come back to reality and then the fun starts.
This time it comes in it’s usual form of “the timing” and “I’m not in a position to date.”
Now to be fair. Their situation is not conventional. I understand that. They are not out to their family. Nor am I. He lives with family, as do I. However, that in itself has not prevented me from trying to pursue things with the people I care for. All that aside. I, personally, feel that “timing” is a bit of circumstance and viewpoint(I think I said something to that degree once already, probably a Pisces thing. lol) Anyway, an idiom I grew up hearing all the time was “If there’s a will there’s a way.” And while…I will to breath underwater…and to fly…and to become an inter-dimensional being of supreme intellect and ability…there’s no way for these things to happen. I do believe however, that if you really want to be with someone, you will find a way, even if it’s not the best of situations or timing or circumstance…you try and talk to, have communication with or involve yourself in some way shape or form to that person. Again. That’s just me. Moving on.
SO….said person is in a state of flux. When we hang out. It’s good. We enjoy each other’s company…and if body language and the way he looks at me are any indication, he enjoys it also. However. He’s not big on PDA. Ok…I can understand that. I remember when I first started delving into the dating world I wasn’t really comfortable with the holding of hands, or little pecks on the cheek, even tender embraces. I’m over most of that now. Sure I won’t make out brazenly in front of a group of conservative old people, or a coven of Nuns(wait…that’s a Coven of Vampires huh?)…but I do usually engage in small sweet tender moments. Not that much of an issue…but all this is backstory for the main events of which I’m writing about.
Last week was an interesting week of strange text messages and conversation. While I was being told that he was looking forward to hanging out over the weekend…I was being called Dude, Man and or Bud. All perfectly normal terms if I was talking with a straight guy with whom I had no interest. Those are words you use if you want to be put in the Friend Zone…and you can ask around, those who have been put into the Friend Zone, once they are there…will likely never get classified as anything other then the friends they become. Sad but true.
So I was getting mixed signals.
Friday comes and plans are set in motion. I’m to meet him at one of the local gay bars with his friend’s, yet, we are going as just friends. Woah….wait. So are we going as just friends, or is the statement that I dread the most? You may remember a few posts back the lil image about the “Just being friends.” That was that. And the response was the Not in a Position to date. etc etc etc…yawn. Ok. Heard it before. FriendZone here we come.
The night is upon us, me and one of my close friends, we shall call him Dach, go out. On our way to the back patio, guess who we have to walk right past. Him, his straight best friend(who is awesome, and their dates…two girls. *shrugs* or friends who are female but who each separately stand close to their selected males. Whatever you want to call it.
“hi” -.- handshake(that’s straight right? “Hows it going”
I smile and nod to those present, but as Dach has kept moving, I use it as a reason to keep moving as well. This is gonna be an awkward night, I just have that feeling already and I don’t want to get in the way of his swag and str8 style if that is what he wants to do with this. I go with the flow for the most part ya know?
So we go sit in the patio for about half an hour. Chatting and watching all the crazies around us. I get a few texts asking where I went and why did I run off.
Finally we meet up outside, after Dach basically kicks me off my chair to go and talk to them(they’d moved outside by this point).
I get another “heeeeeeyyy” with that excited smile he gives…..FUDGE. My IDGAF Shield took a huge hit with that smile. And another with the affectionate hug…and the kiss on the neck. Ok…..hold up. I thought I was supposed to act straight? And PDA? what the fragglestones?
We all meet, mingle, and talk. And so the evening begins. It’s apparent to me and Dach, that he is still just as into me as I into him, even though I think we’re both trying to fight it. Me because, yes, I admit, I was a little defeated with being told to just be friends. I don’t want more friends. But that’s not the story here. We are invited to go to the club next door to hang out and dance. I’m undecided. I want to go and spend time with him. I really really do. However, I don’t know how much more I can handle. My barriers are crumbling and Dach calls me out on it. Damn. I’m transparent again. Oh well. Lets go. See what happens. Already I’ve seen several people I used to fancy/talk to. And the air is filled with the crispy spine tingles of awkward. I remember distinctly thinking…how much more awkward could it get?…..f***.
We go. We walk around. Me and Dach hit the dance floor for about…30-60 seconds. HE, however, is hard to find. I do believe the level of intoxication is making him blend in with the rest of the 2am crazies. We find his abandoned best friend and the two girls who are now quiet pissed looking at sitting around two gay bars when I’m sure they were probably hoping for a normal outting to “bars” with their male companions.
We started talking to the BFF. Meanwhile (I need to come up with a name), is no where to be found. After a bit of talking and chatting, who should walk by…but someone from the past. We’ll call him, boy2. That is a whole separate story…but lets just say that…I don’t really KNOW the kid(he’s like 20? 21? maybe?)…but I’ve met him at another bar once, we flirted from a distance, then I got rejected, that next week I find he now works at a Best Buy I frequent in the dept me and my family always go to. We’re acquainted. Anyway, I don’t pay him much attention cause I’m looking for Boy1(that’ll have to do for now). Then I see him, in the middle of a dance floor, dancing up on some other guy…
My heart literally…cracked. I felt it. Here I am, staying away and off and trying to not be myself with the one person in the building I wanted to be with. And this? I lean in to Dach and the BFF’s conversation and say the code:lets go. They start bringing their conversation to a close, I no longer am wanting to watch the events on the dancefloor…and who should walk by a second time? Boy2 who then proceeds to do the “follow me” head nod. Ummmmmmm…..what? I hesitate….and he comes up to me, wraps an arm around my waist…another on my chest and leans up saying…
“Where do I know you from?”
“Ummm…we met a while back at Best Buy…”
“OH YEAHHHH….you’re the guy who’s family comes in all the time right?”
“Well…yeah. It’s been a while though…”
He smiles, “I’m kinda drunk, but, you’re really cute. And I love how tall you are. I was telling my coworkers…I think I know that guy from somewhere.”
Dach is now looking at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. *cue my weak smile*
“This is my friend, “Dach.” He’s here to make sure I don’t get into any trouble. haha.” F****, that was the best I could come up with?
Boy2 smiles slyly, “Oh yeah? You a bad boy or what?” My fault, I set that up way too easy.
As he says that, he leans up to try and kiss me, his hand around back slipping to grab my butt….and guess who walks up…
Boy1…with girl in arm. Who looks at me, and then boy2, then back at me, with a face like I’d just run over his puppy.
“cute.” he says and walks away…
Dach, says something to him(I find out later, that he tells him to be nice with me…to which he tells him that it doesn’t look like he needs to since I’ve already found someone else) and I now have to try and figure out what to do about boy2. In any other universe, boy2’s revelation woulda been awesome…welcome even if he did say it under the influence of drink. But no…it would happen now…right at that moment. Of course. Now suddenly I feel like that skeeze guy that’s in those movies chasing after someone saying “Wait! It’s not what it looks like!”
So, a few texts later. And it’s cool again, kind of. He “understands.” I just can’t help but feel though that I’m not exactly sure what the next step should be. It was very apparent by the expression on his face that he cares, alot. And that, despite his nonchalant attitude about things, I’m sure it still has to bug him a little. Do I continue to try and “take things slow” as our later conversations ended. We obviously care for each other. But…there’s just so much to consider. This is why I don’t go out anymore. It’s just dangerous. :-p
No but seriously. There’s more to this whole element I’m not even going into cause I don’t like ranting too much about a subject else I sound like I’m whining about something I am just going to see how it plays out. What do you think…based on what you read from this….